Why is it hard?

The start of a new school year is a major milestone that not only marks the passage of time but also reminds grieving parents of the child who isn’t here; and isn’t going back to school. They imagine what grade their child would be in, what kind of backpack they might have chosen, or what it would be like to be sending them off on the school bus. All of these thoughts about missed opportunities can trigger big waves of grief even years after a loss.

During back-to-school time we see many other families with their children, both in public and all over social media, collecting school supplies, taking first-day photos, waiting at bus stops, etc. Grieving parents who have other children may feel anxiety about separating from their living children as they return to school. The act of “handing over” your child to teachers or putting them on the bus can feel like a loss in and of itself. This can trigger fear, panic, or even PTSD. The contrast between the busy and exciting time of back-to-school and the parent’s emotional reaction to it can feel very isolating.

How can friends and loved ones help?

The back-to-school season often requires extra emotional support and understanding for parents coping with pregnancy or infant loss. Acknowledging their feelings and showing compassion can help them navigate this challenging time. Let them know it’s okay to struggle during this period. Avoid suggesting they “move on” or “get over it.”

Be willing to listen without judgment if they want to talk about their struggle, but also respect their need for space if they prefer not to discuss it or choose not to attend back-to-school related events.

It is always appropriate to send a thoughtful text or card to let them know you’re thinking of them, mention their baby by name if they had one, and acknowledge milestones the child would have reached, like starting a new grade. You could offer to help with back-to-school tasks that may be hard for grieving parents, such as shopping for supplies, filling out paperwork, or transporting their other kids to school events.

The start of school may trigger intense emotions even years after a loss. Continue offering support in the weeks and months following the start of school. Check-in regularly, not just at the beginning of the school year. Consistent practical and emotional support with compassion and understanding can help grieving parents navigate this challenging season.

What can a grieving parent do to cope?

It can be comforting for grieving parents to develop meaningful ways to honor their child’s memory during the school year. Here are a few ideas:

• Donate books to the school library in their name.
• Commission a mural, or art installation, in baby’s honor.
• Volunteer in a classroom at the grade level they would be.
• Donate school supplies for kids in need. You could even find a grade-appropriate school supplies list from your school of choice and purchase those supplies for needs in that class.
• Donate classroom supplies or equipment for a classroom that might have been theirs.
• Donate money for a child who may not have any to spend on school activities like a book fair or field trip.
• Place an ad in the school yearbook, PTO book, or other fundraising publication.
• Support other school fundraisers like cookie sales, fairs, or pancake breakfasts in their memory.
• Sponsor a school team or event in their name.
• Contact the school and have them connect you with a teacher or program that your child may have been involved with and ask them about their needs and suggestions for something you could help with.
• Treat yourself to a bag, pencil case, or lunchbox featuring baby’s name or initials.
• Take advantage of the sales and splurge on special pens, notebooks, or art supplies.
• Have your kids choose school supplies that have a significant color or motif that you all use to remember baby.
• Include encouraging notes “from baby” in your other children’s backpacks or lunch boxes.
• When taking the first day of school pictures, include something subtle or obvious that stands for your baby. This could be a sign with their name and what grade they would be in, a special outfit chosen in their memory, or just leaving a space where they should be standing.
• Plant a memorial tree and take first-day photos in front of it so you can watch it grow with your other children.

I hope something on this list speaks to your heart. The goal is to find ways that feel comfortable and meaningful for your family to keep your baby’s memory alive during this significant time.